I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
