I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
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