i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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