My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Randomize
