Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize