how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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