Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
