the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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