dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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