Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
It was confusing and full of hummus
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
