You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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