last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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