Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
