Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
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