I hate your face
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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