Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
The beer is more important than you right now.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
