i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
