i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
