I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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