So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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