Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Randomize
