Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
