i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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