My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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