Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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