I didn't shave. On purpose
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
