At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Sponge bath it is.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
