Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
