did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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