I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize