remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Randomize
