I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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