I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Randomize
