Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
