I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
