my phone needs a breathalizer
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
