you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
What drink are we having for lunch?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
