I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
We left an ass print on the piano.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
