the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
