Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
