Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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