o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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