The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
false alarm, still single
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
