erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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