K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Just invented taco cereal.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize