I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
