Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
