Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
