Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
