I wish I only lived at night.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
honey bunches of taint.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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