we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
