Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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