Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
