I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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