You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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